that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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