I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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