I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
