he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
