is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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