plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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