i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
