I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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