I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
