Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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