Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you will always have a special place in my vag
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
