I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
