my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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