i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
