whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
