I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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