And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
