I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
