I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
