This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
