I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
