I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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