i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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