she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
