I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
