Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
