I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
