Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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