I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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