know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
