I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
