but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
