I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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