zippers are such a cool invention
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
