You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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