If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
