Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
