Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
