Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I cannot find my penis.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
