His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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