i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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