I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
