Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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