No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
