One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
