Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
They took my balls.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
