found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My feet surprised me
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