She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dick very happy bro
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
