I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
