remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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